25/04/16

NEWS
– Julius Malema says he doesn’t have presidential ambitions. Incidentally a heroin addict asked me if he can have some many for food and a lift to Windsor East. Just saying
– An image posted on social media granny and her young grandson were attacked and reduced to tears by Pick n Pay staff after her broke a chocolate. It’s Pick n Pay I feel sorry for here. How can any chain hope to survive with a. not respect for the elderly b. no sympathy for kids c. no understanding of how easy it is for your ass to get burned by social media. Off to the naughty corner with you!
– What the hell? Three reported incidents of dogs attacking people today. Who let the dogs out? (who.. who…)
– German scientists are busy on a technique that could save millions of baby chickens from being shredded to death moments after they hatch by detecting the sex of chicks before they hatch. Which means that the female chickens are still fucked as instead of being shredded to death they get to live a life of misery in a battery farm – a fate worse then death. *end of vegan rant
– Xenophobic attacks are taking place all over the world. Aliens come to visit and decide not to hang around us because we are idiots.
– Idols SA winner scores mega Disney deal. And he rescues the princess, and they live happily ever after in a magic castle with singing animals all around… or did I misunderstand that?
– Kim Kardashian West tries to upstage Beyoncé with erotic pics. Keep up the fight girls, we all hate paying for porn.
THE GOOD NEWS: Not a single musician I like died today (to the best of my knowledge)

SPORTS: I have decided to create a new sport and take to Olympic level. It’s called Insecurity and has categories like “crippling self doubt”, “self-loathing”, “second guessing yourself”, “overanalyzing” and “putting yourself down” amongst others. You will be judged by a panel of judges who will question their decision. The best place is also the worst. The winner gets to doubt whether he/she deserves the prize, decide they are a loser and never compete again.

FASHION: Tattoos are hot.

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22/04/16

  • Today is Earth Day… ok, so what the fuck is every other day then?
  • Artist formerly known as Prince (excuse the pun) probably got lonely with all the great musicians leaving and left us. Doves cry today and the heavens have one more star.
  • Janet Love appointed IEC commissioner. Zuma welcomes her by telling the nation that all they need is Love, Love, Love is all they need.
  • Pretoria name change will go ahead – Ramokgopa. A whole bunch of white folk are about to really really like the name Pretoria.
  • Malema wants to shoot everyone – Zuma, ANC, I can’t remember who else. Mothers, don’t forget to hug your kids when they are young. If you don’t it could result in some bad ass politics.
  • A Buddhist temple near Beijing now has a robot monk called Xian’er to answer your questions and give lessons of wisdom. I think it’s pretty sad and disturbing… can I see him??? J
  • I only do these news as an outlet for my unjustified rage and/or the empty affirmation of social media.

 

Good news:

  • It’s FRIDAY!!!

 

Sports: Can we bring back the version of football where severed heads get used as a good potential use for our politicians?

 

Weather: it’s Friday, as I mentioned so I’m not doing these two sections. Cheers

Fashion:

21/04/16

 

  • Allegedly there was the most beautiful stormy sky over Johannesburg this morning. The report is unconfirmed as the residents were all busy staring at their phones
  • Happy 90th birthday to the relic of monarchy who, like the regime itself, is “too weird to live, too rare to die” (Hunter S Thompson).
    Or as sex pistols would say:
    God save the queen
    She ain’t no human being
    There is no future
    In England’s dreaming
    (why couldn’t Freddy Murcury live to 90 instead?)
  • Zuma on accusations of arms deal:
    “guys, I know I’m accused of corruption, rape, theft and eleventy seven thousand other crimes, but this time I swear – it wasn’t me
  • Australia wages war on cyber crime and the likes of Snowden and anonymous. They’re soooo cute! Frankly it’s high time a government got screwed instead of doing the screwing
  • There is nothing south Africans love more than standing in a long queue for yet another multinational enterprize coming to rape and pillage us, just to get a shitty product… I mean: South Africa gives a warm welcome to its first Starbucks.
  • Not that I’m surprised but studies in the UK show that Alcohol has been linked to several cancers, road accidents and violence… Now new research shows that it’s 4% more fatal than AIDS.
    The only cocktail we need is a Molotov Cocktail
  • On the subject of Cock – studies show that size DOES matter, at least when it comes to fertility and while this has no significance in my child-free future, I always wanted to do a report to do with dick size.
  • If you type “AMEN” in comments, god will save a puppy.

 

The Good News: My newest hero is called Jon Stewart, a farmer in New Jersey whose farm is dedicated entirely to taking care of and loving rescue pigs.

Sports: Professional sports players make way more money than teachers, nurses etc. Our priorities are screwed

Weather: I am wearing a huge jacket, a jersey and a shirt and am still cold. Does that answer your questions?

 

Fashion: see above.

 

 

 

 

 

20/04/16

  • So it’s 420. For those who had to google it like I did last year – it refers to the date 20/4, the international stoner day. The hills (esp Northcliff) are ablaze with the sound of rolling. The participants had the following to say:
    something something legalize
    something something cures something
    something something where are the cookies?
  • Female students at the Rhodes University are going naked in protest against sexual violence at the institution. A whole bunch of misogynists are planning derogatory comments do lessen their fight and enforce the need for one.
  • There’s a group of Oscar Pistorius’s supporters carring posters outside court, none of which say: He seems to have beaten his girlfriend with a baseball bat. What a great hero! I can see why they love him
  • Nigeria uncovers 17,000 more civil service ghost workers.
    Who they gonna call? Ghost busters!
    (aside: No ghosts, No masters!)
    Ok I’m done
  • Earth is making a public message to humanity. She’s been trying to hint and send subtle signals (droughts, earthquakes and other disasters you may have seen in the recent news) but the time has come to say it straight. She wants to break up. She says: It’s not you, it’s me, I just need my space.  Or you can go to space.
  • CEO of Cell-C has made a public comment about women having a “bitch-switch”. I will be arranging a bus for every woman who wants to pay him a visit and prove him right. Bring your own bitch weapons
  • This next piece I actually cant make a joke DAKAR – A vehicle in the motorcade of the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations struck and killed a young boy. Whoever he was, society failed him. Fuck governments and fuck politics.

 

(because I decided I’m morbid I’m introducing a new section)

The good news:

  • A rescue mission is on the way for a dog lost in mountains, Durban. Wether they find him or not – just for today I like humans again.

Sport:

  • Some kids totally kicked ass at an online first shooter game. No one noticed

Weather:

  • The world is a cold dark place kids. With occasional sunshine

Fashion:

  • If you wear heels and fall down you are more likely to hurt yourself. Do what I do and stay close to the ground

19/04/16

– This just in: A deadly virus has spread around the world, more deadly than Ibola, Zuka and The Plague put together. It’s called The Humans. It attacks the host by breeding and consuming at an unimaginable rate. It’s able to operate through adaptive techniques called Greed and Denial. The prognosis is grim.

– On a related note – it is now 30 years since Chernobyl, and indigenous species that were threatened by the civilization before the catastrophe re-appeared. These include elks, wolves, bears, lynxes, white-tailed eagles and many others. All of them had the following to say: F*ck off Humans! Go nuke yourselves!
(Note: Better find a different venue for my next wedding)

– The results of the report from Stats SA on young South Africans’ future is in.
Kids, play all the playstation you like and bunk school and don’t let anyone stop you. Why? Because you are soooo f*cked.

– Children in Nigeria are being persecuted as witches. In line with that forward thinking I now pronounce the world flat, held on a back of elephants on a back of a tortoise… who is rather embarrassed at what idiots we are!

– New York citizens favour Trump. The city is now being reclassified as a village and can keep their Idiot.

– Apparently the most revolutionary app we have is Masquerade, the funny face creator. So, with mobile access to the most powerful tool in the world – the internet – that can educate, connect and start a revolution, we have chosen instead to make our selfies even uglier… Maybe a meteor will strike us soon.

Weather:
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

Sports:
A group of men chased a ball very enthusiastically and won something or other against the other group of men. A huge number of observers who didn’t chase a ball at all screamed: WE WON! How rude!

Fashion:
Research shows that current fashion is best viewed through very dark glasses.

Tune in tomorrow for more news and i’ll try to be less of an asshole.
earth

18/04/16

– Obama wants to spare millions of people in the country illegally from deportation. Trump wants to kick out all the foreign invaders. The small remaining number of Native American Indians agree with Trump.
– Residents of Dunoon are attacking foreign nationals to protest lack of services by local government. After work I’ll set my house alight because my car needs a service.
– Our generation issues a public apology to the future generations for having let the elephants go extinct to construct a new high-speed railway in Kenya… or at least they should! 
– Axl Rose got old, ran out of money and couldn’t get the girls. In the light of this Guns n’ Roses are doing a reunion, after many centuries, including the original outfits as well as the dinosaurs they used.
– A woman woke up and felt good about her appearance. She is currently on the most-wanted list as the biggest known threat to capitalism and its fear driven consumption machine.

Sports: 
– Online debates are now considered a competitive sport, voted to be the most dangerous. To qualify simply go to my profile and comment on anything slightly controversial… and wait.

Weather: 
– It’s raining men, Hallelujah…

Fashion:
– We like big butts, we cannot lie.

racist

17/04/16

– You can never be too rich, or too thin… but Zuma can be too evil. As if all his crap wasn’t enough – he also opened weapons factory in Saudi Arabia.
On that note – He has shown concerns about current unemployment rate… well, i know he could make one job available.
– An old classic film is back this week by absolutely no demand.
Set in North Gauteng High Court, it stars Oscar Pistorius.
It shall be called: Oscar – the return/sometimes they come back again/i know what you did three summers ago
– SA Revenue Service’s (SARS) confiscated R80-million of Mandrax. (Death and Taxes!)

– A popular celebrity (insert name of choice) had a baby/sex scandal/drug problem and had something to say about it. 
– Europe is concerned about a refugee crisis. I’m more concerned about the “borders created through bloodshed and war by corrupt governments to keep us divided” crisis. We The people must strive for the world united in peace and love… and if you don’t, I’ll cut you!

Weather: I’d like to apologize for my last report, stating that Global Warming is coming. Donald Trump has assured us there is no such thing

Sports: … no idea. Anyone?

Fashion: latest fashion trend is wearing the skin of a dead politician. Don’t be unfashionable!

oscar

(image by me, property of ENCA)

 

15/4/2016

– People are killing each other over some meaningless shit. Again! Still!
– Hundreds people gathered in New York demonstrating against Donald Trump, calling him “evil” and “racist” (DUH!). Hey, America, Trump lives in a tower. You seem to have terrorists flying into your buildings. Make a plan! Oh and swing past Mugabe please. 
– Malema tries to “woo” Soweto…Good man! Most politicians JUST f**k you. 
– Pastor Mboro allegedly sold photos of his trip to “heaven” for R5,000. The interesting part however is people bought them? 
Aside: I’m can now photoshop a picture of you in heaven for R100, halo included.
– G20 is meeting to discuss the anonymous threats to leak out information about the banking system, and various other ways these nasty unidentified men are messing with the World Leaders’ plans to totally fuck up the world. Poor leaders, somebody give them a molotov! 
– A person out there woke up and decided to just be themselves and kind to others, momentarily creating a microcosm of a world i want to live in. Not sure if news worthy but i always wanted a news report to end this way.

Weather: 
– Global warming is on the way.

Sports….
…Why am i even trying to do this column?

Fashion:

  • A personality never goes out fashion. Best accessory for any handbag

heaven

14/4/2016

– opposition calls for complete overhaul of Parliament. What I hear is: Comrades! Bring down the governments! Rally in the streets under a black flag of anarchist revolution! Smash the state! Fuck the police! (GreAt, I just f-bombed a news report) a girl can dream, right?
– this just in: someone actually paid ETolls! His identity will remain hidden to avoid major embarrassment.
– Zuma visits PE… Because he can spell it.
– Mozambique issue drought alerts. This morning the golf course where I stay is getting watered. Just saying.
– drones search for Loch Ness monster… I don’t feel I need to add anything here

Sports: some dudes played with the ball. They all really wanted the ball. Shame, can’t they each get a ball to play with?

Weather: there appears to be sunshine. Much like in my heart. So if you are feeling sad, my life is better than yours.. But at least the weather is good.

Fashion: be unfashionable. All the cool kids are doing it

molotov

(by me, concept by Aragorn)

 

13 April 2016: 

– Zuma said some shit. While none of us can make sense of it, the nation eagerly awaits his giving up politics to follow his true talent – stand up comedy
– people are killing each other everywhere, yet Mugabe is still alive. Just saying.
– an eyewitness reports a working traffic light in Johannesburg.
– a Lion was spotted roaming Braamfontein. I had an acid trip just like that. Silvester who now has a new home was unavailable for commentary
Weather: go outside and find out for more accuracy

Sport: for my opening report i would like to inform you that I don’t give an f-bomb about sports.

Fashion: Hate yourself. Buy stuff to feel better. Thats what capitalism wants for you.
zuma